Independence, obedience can go hand-in-hand

Your preteen wants more freedom. You want him to follow the rules and do as he’s told. Can you both get what you want? Absolutely. The key is to balance his need for independence with your need for obedience.

To cut down on the discipline-related headaches that can come from keeping your preteen on the straight and narrow:

Set reasonable limits. Your preteen may balk at the limits you set, but he needs them. Not only do limits make preteens feel more secure, they make them feel loved.
Pick your battles. If you argue with your preteen over every little thing, you’ll both end up angry and frustrated. Instead, before challenging him on something, ask yourself, “Is this a big deal?” If the issue is something annoying—like his messy room—let it go. But if it’s something dangerous or immoral, speak up.
Offer choices. Within reason, give your preteen the chance to make his own decisions. For example, he can’t skip studying for his science test, but how about letting him decide what time to hit the books? It sounds minor, but just letting him choose between studying before or after dinner can make him feel that he has some control.
Increase his freedom. As your preteen proves his maturity, reward him with more freedom. If he’s responsible about choosing appropriate clothing, for instance, you could begin letting him select his own outfits. The possibility of earning more privileges is a great incentive for him to follow the rules.
Guide, don’t control. As your preteen starts making his own choices, he’s going to make mistakes, too. Your job isn’t to rescue him from these mistakes—it’s to guide him as he goes along. Do this by listening when he talks and by asking questions that make him think about his choices.

Reprinted with permission from the December 2006 issue of Parents Still make the difference!® (Middle School Edition) newsletter. Copyright © 2006 The Parent Institute®, a division of NIS, Inc. Source: “Independence—Helping Your Child Through Early Adolescence,” U.S. Department of Education, www.ed.gov/parents/academic/help/adolescence/part7.html.

Spending Time Together

Spending time together is important for your preteen

What gets lost in all the “bad news” stories about families today? The fact that there’s so much good news! Research shows that plenty of families have strengths that help kids thrive.

Many of these strengths revolve around parents and kids simply spending time together. Common family strengths include:

Sticking to routines. Basic things like doing chores and eating together can keep families bonded. Studies indicate that kids who come from families that follow routines are less likely to use drugs or be suspended from school.
Communicating. When parents communicate positively with their kids, everybody wins. Studies show that most adolescents get praise from their parents. And half look to their parents for guidance. When kids are supported like this, they’re less likely to have emotional problems.
Having fun together. Simply “doing stuff together” means a lot to parents and kids. Research shows that kids who enjoy enriching activities at home are more motivated to learn than their peers. And spending time together—even if it’s just playing cards or watching a ball game—leads to good feelings all around. It also lessens kids’ chances of engaging in risky behaviors or getting in trouble at school.

Reprinted with permission from the December 2006 issue of Parents Still make the difference!® (Middle School Edition) newsletter. Copyright © 2006 The Parent Institute®, a division of NIS, Inc. Source: Kristin Anderson Moore, Ph.D., Rosemary Chalk, Juliet Scarpa and Sharon Vandivere, M.P.P., “Family Strengths: Often Overlooked, But Real,” ChildTrends.org, www.childtrends.org/Files/FamilyStrengths.pdf.

Working With Your School

Work with teachers if your child is in need of motivation

Middle school is demanding, and most students, even those who do well, will sometimes need a little “boost.” If this happens to your child, know that one person alone may not be able to “fix” the problem. But a joint effort between you, the school and your child can get her back on track.

Some ideas for you:

Stay neutral when talking to your child. Focus on solving the problem, not on placing blame on your child or the teacher.
Encourage your child to ask for help at school. Teachers usually want to help struggling students and they have lots of good ideas.
Remember that the teacher wants your child to succeed. Don’t go to the teacher with a defensive attitude.
Help your child strengthen school skills at home. While that can mean drilling her on homework, also work on qualities that will help her be more effective in the classroom. This includes listening and asking questions. Listen closely when she talks. Stress that she should do the same with you. Encourage her to ask questions after she has listened to what was said.

Reprinted with permission from the December 2006 issue of Parents Still make the difference!® (Middle School Edition) newsletter. Copyright © 2006 The Parent Institute®, a division of NIS, Inc. Source: Natalie Rathvon, The Unmotivated Child: Helping Your Underachiever Become a Successful Student, ISBN: 0-684-80306-2 (Fireside, 1-800-223-2336, www.simonsays.com).