Your involvement may keep your preteen out of trouble

Why do the middle-school years feel like such a minefield sometimes? Because preteens are going through incredible changes during adolescence. To help your child avoid problems in middle school, it’s important to understand what makes him tick during this time in his life.

Although there’s no such thing as a “typical” preteen, it’s fair to assume that your preteen may:

Experience big bursts of emotional or physical energy, but spend equal time doing nothing (or, in your eyes, just being lazy).
Ride an emotional roller coaster. Although he’s often fearless and acts immortal, he’s likely to have his feelings crushed if his friends think poorly of him.
Crave independence and freedom from you, while also wanting (and needing) your love and protection.
Insist on having more privileges, but then balk at taking on the added responsibilities that lead to such privileges.
Want more time alone, while also seeking more time with his friends.

Given that your preteen’s life is such a balancing act, it’s easy to see why he might struggle in school. But that doesn’t mean he will struggle. In fact, there’s plenty you can do to help him avoid problems at school.

Even better, studies show that your own educational level, race or class have nothing to do with how well your preteen does in school. What matters is your enthusiasm and commitment to supporting him.

To support your middle schooler’s education and help him avoid school problems:

Learn as much as possible about his school, including its policies and the names of his teachers.
Read every handout that he brings home from school. If English isn’t your native language, ask the principal to provide you with translated versions.
Talk to your middle schooler about what he’s doing in class and review his work with him.
Show him that you value education by taking an interest in what he’s learning.

Reprinted with permission from the February 2007 issue of Parents Still make the difference!® (Middle School Edition) newsletter. Copyright © 2007 The Parent Institute®, a division of NIS, Inc. Source: “Parent Involvement at the Middle School Level,” MiddleWeb.com, www.middleweb.com/ParntInvl.html.

Building Respect

Coach your child on specific ways to respect elders

“No respect” is a big complaint adults have about children today. Teachers and parents share it, too. A recent survey by the research group Public Agenda found that disrespect was the second-biggest discipline problem in schools today.

Insist on respect. But avoid general statements. Children learn little from “Show respect,” or “Respect your elders.” They learn much more from clear expectations and specific instructions. Teach your child specific things like:

Greeting. Your child need not spend 20 minutes talking to every adult he meets. But he should smile, say hello and make eye contact. Is the adult a guest in your home? Have your child offer a drink or snack, or take the visitor’s coat.
Waiting. No one likes to be interrupted. And most adults, including teachers, hate being interrupted by middle schoolers! Keep reminding your child to wait until an adult is finished talking before he pipes up.
Sharing. Your child will impress his teachers and other adults if he can let others go through a door in front of him. And he’ll really stand out for respectful acts such as giving up his seat to an adult or even a peer who has been standing for a while.

Reprinted with permission from the February 2007 issue of Parents Still make the difference!® (Middle School Edition) newsletter. Copyright © 2007 The Parent Institute®, a division of NIS, Inc. Source: Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, Talking to Tweens: Getting it Right Before it Gets Rocky with Your 8-to 12-Year-Old, ISBN: 0-7382-1019-6 (Da Capo Press, 1-800-255-1514, www.dacapopress.com).

Building Responsibility

Boost your monitoring skills to build your child’s responsibility

Who’s the biggest influence on your preteen? Is it her best friend? Her funny and down-to-earth English teacher? That cool kid in third-period science class? The answer is no, no and no. Research says the biggest influence on your preteen is you.

Out of all the people in your child’s life, you have the best chance of impacting the person she’ll become. But helping her grow into a responsible young adult doesn’t just happen. It takes real commitment on your part—and an ability to keep tabs on her while ignoring any protests!

To see if your “parental monitoring” skills are up to par, ask yourself:

Do I know what my preteen does after school?
Do I know her friends?
Does she know that I expect a phone call if she’s going to be late?
Do I know where she and her friends hang out?
Do I talk to her about what she and her friends are doing?

Monitoring your preteen isn’t about ruining her fun or treating her like a baby. It’s about keeping an eye on her as she learns to take responsibility for herself. It’s also about mutual respect.

If you insist on knowing where she is, make sure she knows where you are. If she must call when she’s running late, you should do the same. The more you model responsible behavior, the quicker she may adopt it.

Reprinted with permission from the February 2007 issue of Parents Still make the difference!® (Middle School Edition) newsletter. Copyright © 2007 The Parent Institute®, a division of NIS, Inc. Source: Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW, “Raising Responsible Teens,” NewsforParents.org, www.newsforparents.org/expert_raising_responsible_teens.html.