To earn respect from your preteen, you must first show it

When it comes to teaching your preteen about respect, the idea isn’t to teach her at all. It’s to show her. By demonstrating what respect looks like, you’ll go a long way toward helping your preteen become respectful herself. (Just remember: Respect and obedience are two different things. Your preteen may simply obey you out of fear. Obeying you out of respect, though, is healthier and more meaningful.)

Here are some everyday ways to demonstrate respect:

Be polite. Say “please,” “thank you” and “excuse me” when talking to your preteen. Don’t barge into her room, either. Instead, knock.
Be kind. Don’t insult or belittle your preteen when she messes up. Making a mistake doesn’t mean she’s “worthless” or “no good.”
Be compassionate. Never purposely embarrass your preteen or tell jokes at her expense. If that “crazy thing she did as a little kid” story makes her cringe, stop telling it.
Be fair. Don’t pass judgment on your preteen or punish her for something before learning all the facts. Show respect by taking the time to get her side of the story.
Be dependable. If you tell your preteen you’ll do something, do it. Earn her respect by proving that you’re reliable. And when you can’t do something, be upfront about it. It’s an easy way to show her some respect.
Be honest. Every “little white lie” you tell may chip away at the respect your preteen feels—or doesn’t feel—for you. She’s watching what you say and do, so always try to do the right thing.
Be a teacher. When you see examples of disrespect or other poor behavior on TV or in a movie, talk about it with your preteen. Discuss why the behavior is wrong. Help her see how disrespect can quickly lead to other negative, even dangerous behaviors.

Reprinted with permission from the May 2007 issue of Parents Still make the difference!® (Middle School Edition) newsletter. Copyright © 2007 The Parent Institute®, a division of NIS, Inc. Source: Steve McChesney, “Respect—How to teach it and how to show it,” Teach-Nology.com, www.teach-nology.com/tutorials/teaching/respect.

Reinforcing Learning

Identify, remove distractions to learning in your home

Does your child ever do poorly on a test, even when she studied? Does it take her hours to complete homework in a subject she usually does well in?

There could be many reasons for this. As a parent, one of the first things to check is whether your child can concentrate at home or whether she is distracted.

You can’t turn your home into the quiet room of a public library. But you can make an effort to:

Maintain quiet during study time. Help younger siblings find something to do. Keep music and TV off or low.
Give your child something to eat and drink before study time.
Keep light and temperature at comfortable levels.
Keep your child away from the TV, phone and computer, except during scheduled study breaks.
Have a no visitors policy during study time. Sometimes children study with friends. But you may have to keep a closer eye to make sure they are studying and not just visiting.
Pay attention to whether something is bothering your child. Encourage her to talk about it before studying. Brainstorm solutions together so your child can study without worrying. Sometimes your child may feel too much stress from her day to go right into studying. A brief period of exercise can help clear her mind.

Reprinted with permission from the April 2007 issue of Parents Still make the difference!® (Middle School Edition) newsletter. Copyright © 2007 The Parent Institute®, a division of NIS, Inc. Source: John R. Ban, Parents Assuring Student Success (PASS): Achievement Made Easy By Learning Together, ISBN: 1-879639-25-4 (Indiana University, 812/855-4438, www.indiana.edu/~safeschl/publication.html).

Discipline

Keep emotions in check when it is time to discipline

It is always important to keep your emotions out of discipline, especially with a child this age. Shouting at your child shifts the whole dynamic from a focus on her behavior to a focus on yours. Instead of feeling sorry about what she did, she feels sorry for herself, and angry at you. Clearly, this is counter-productive and it is a big reason why teachers are trained to keep their tempers with misbehaving students.

Keep the focus on your child’s behavior and not yours by:

Postponing if you get too angry. Just tell your child, “Okay, we’ll do this later.” Then leave the room to calm down.
Having a policy of “describing and deciding.” Instead of yelling at your child, “How dare you speak to me that way!” set your jaw and say, “That kind of language is incredibly rude and disrespectful.” That’s describing. Then say, “I’ll consider taking you to your friend’s house when you can speak in a nicer tone.” That’s deciding. Then close the subject.
Combining sympathy and consequences. Despite many reminders, your child does not turn in her homework all week. Consequence: She gets a zero. Your response should be, “Wow, that is really tough. Let me know if you want to talk about some ways we can make sure that doesn’t happen again.”
Remember to never say, “I told you so,” as this takes your child off the hook. Instead of thinking of her homework, she will now think about what you said to her and how mean she thinks it is.

Reprinted with permission from the April 2007 issue of Parents Still make the difference!® (Middle School Edition) newsletter. Copyright © 2007 The Parent Institute®, a division of NIS, Inc. Source: Nancy Samalin, Loving Without Spoiling, ISBN: 0-8092-9551-2 (Contemporary Books, 1-800-262-4729, www.books.mcgraw-hill.com).